Get Up

Journal entry:  

Morning; June 26, 2016

I am feeling myself fall apart. It is scaring me to death. 

I am withdrawing again. Going back to who I was. 

It's the same pattern and I don't even know if I can stop it from happening. 

I feel defeated.

 Have you ever been stuck in that seemingly unending pattern? The one where you make huge progress for a couple of months and then somehow find yourself back at the starting line? 

Since April, I have been on a journey to break that pattern.

( I already wrote a little bit about this in my post "Finish", but every day I am learning.)

Yesterday I was ready to give up. I felt so defeated because after two months of trying to get it right, it seemed like I should be past the point of failure. Past the "falling off the wagon". 

But I found myself back at that place again. 

I know myself. And I know (very well) the pattern of destruction. I knew that I was at the place where I wouldn't just fall of the wagon, but I would wallow in the mud for a while, and watch everything I worked so hard for just fall apart.

I felt defeated, because I saw myself defeated. 

Later on that morning in church, Pastor T preached another message in the series of faith. One of the things that he said stuck to me, and the truth of it sunk deep into my heart.

Don't limit God. 

My fear told me that I could never actually defeat this giant. It was to hard. I can't. I couldn't. I never would be able to. In feeling myself slip, I was envisioning the avalanche.

I was believing the opposite of what is true. The truth is that God is limitless. The only thing that can limit Him is our lack of faith in what He can do for us. 

God is bigger than my fear. He is bigger than my impossible. If I don't believe that God will give me the strength to do this, than I am limiting Him. He is not going to force His way into my life and just do the things that I don't believe I can do.

When I am running, I sometimes get to a place where I can see how many miles I have yet to run, and I get discouraged and feel like giving up because it is so far, and I'm so tired, and I don't know if I can make it. It is in those moments that I have to force myself to concentrate on each individual step. I tell myself to just take it one step at a time. The road is long, but I know that if I just keep going, and and keep believing that I can take one step, I will get there. 

God says in His word that it is when I am weak that I am strong, because it is through my weakness that His strength can truly shine in my life.

Today, I am believing, even though I can't see the end in sight. Even though fear wants to take over and pull me back to the starting line. I am believing that He has strength enough to bring me through. 

This morning, when I woke up and got out of bed, I didn't feel like I could. But I am choosing to believe that I can.

I can do this. And so can you. 

Faith creates your future.

You are now what you believed you would be yesterday.

(Pastor Tony)